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March 8, 2011 @ 12:25 am CST

Fuck you, Motorola.

Written by: Michael Pitts
Tags: , , , ,

 

Today's obscenity brought to you by Microsoft Paint.

Done. I’m done fucking around with Motorola. I’ll be the first to admit that I was one of the people that loved the Razr V3. I put that little aluminum clamshell through a lot and it kept working. As much as I loved that thing, everyone else hated it. I still don’t know why, but it was enough to make Motorola’s stock go down the poop tube. They start having a little success with Android and suddenly they’ve forgotten what it was like to have the sheer mention of their company name make people cringe. Well it’s coming back, fuckers. Get ready.

The biggest reason is their “Custom UI Skin”, MotoBlur. I put that in quotations for a reason. It’s not so much a custom skin as it is a generous smattering of fecal matter all over the goodness of Android. What does MotoBlur do, exactly? Well the answer depends entirely on who you ask. But since you’re reading my article, that means you asked me. And you know what that means? That means you’re getting my answer. Strap in kids, it’s time to unload some pent up frustration.

MotoBlur was originally conceived to make the device running it more social with little widgets and push notifications that keep you connected no matter where you are without compromising your privacy. Now that we’ve seen it in action we know that what it really does is take what should be a great piece of hardware and squeezes out a fat deuce where the software should be. Don’t ask me how the phones manage to run on soft-serve instead of software, it’s probably some crazy phone magic or something. Fuck, you ask a lot of questions.

I’m using a Droid X that is 100% stock. It has never been rooted, unlocked, unhinged, or anything out of the ordinary. Any time I install something that I don’t use anymore (app reviews, alternate browsers, etc), it gets promptly uninstalled. I always check the permissions of an application and make sure that they jive with what an application of that kind should need before I hit the final acceptance button. I shut down and restart my phone every other day because I understand that it is essentially a computer and the goddamn thing can’t run forever without taking a little break. I work with a lot of people that have Android devices; HTC Incredible, several flavors of Galaxy S, LG Ally, and even the original Droid. None of my co-workers have any of the problems I do. These problems that I have noticed with my phone have to be coming from somewhere, and the only explanation is Motorola’s UI shit skin.

The biggest issue that I have is the sluggishness that a 1GHz processor shouldn’t have. Opening the contacts list makes the system hang, and then I get to wait for the list to populate. The same thing happens when opening the app list and 80% of those were on there when I bought the phone! Press the home button to wake the phone, swipe my finger on the unlo… swipe my finger on the… swipe my finger GODDAMMIT!

Why would you do this to your customers? What’s the point of forcing them to use bullshit software skins when the stock UI works perfectly well? Yes, you distinguish yourself from other Android devices, but you do it by being terrible. Oh, and my favorite part has to be the encrypted bootloader. Personally I don’t care about the difficulty of rooting/unlocking the phone. But the idea of locking your shit down when you’re using Android, the OS that was lauded for being open, just reeks of douchebaggery. Everyone is swimming around in their sea of Open Source goodness and Moto comes in screaming “FUCK YOU, HAVE SOME BLUR! LOLOLOL”

As if that weren’t enough, we get this tablet monstrosity. It is pretty, isn’t it? I mean, as pretty as a big piece of glass can be, I suppose. But then you realize that even though you paid almost as much for it as a 64GB iPad you have no flash, your microSD card slot doesn’t work, you’ve got a proprietary charger (really? I thought we had moved past those), you have to send it back to Motorola for a week if you want LTE connectivity, you can’t opt out of the data plan, Sanjay Jha killed Santa and the Easter Bunny, you’re getting constant alerts about what’s going to work eventually when they get around to updating the software, and you’re probably going to get saddled with MotoBlur later.

Fuck you Mororola, and fuck you too Sanjay Jha. I’d rather staple my dick to the seat of a speeding motorcycle and then jump off of it than pay for another Motorola device.



About the Author

Michael Pitts
The "Angry Old Man" of The Noisecast.




 
 

 
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  • http://www.savageboredom.com Ben Avecilla

    … so I guess you’re NOT getting the Xoom then?

    • http://www.twitter.com/dailydroidapp AndroFan

      Not one of the complaints he made (locked bootloader, MotoBlur) applies to the Xoom, so that would seem an ill-gotten conclusion.

      • http://www.myrecipebookspace.com Alec5216

        Except the last paragraph where he lists problems with the Xoom

  • http://twitter.com/DaBurghIT TJ

    I don’t have the money for a Xoom right now anyway but the possibility that Motorola may include Blur in a future update makes me cringe.

  • Retrac

    I would love to see the last scenario you put in my head… just saying
    -retrac

    • Agrippa

      Seconded. If we put the video on here we’ll be rich!

    • Vitto

      I like having my junk right where it is, thanks.

  • http://www.thenoisecast.com Steven Callas

    Motorola is planning a revamp of Blur, so yeah. It sucks that I’m on a D2G because there’s no ROMs out there except one, and it isn’t available until the devs update it. Been waiting over a month now.

    • anon

      Fwiw, Squidley is supposed to work on the D2G but I haven’t tried it.

  • kevin24lg

    Beautifully said, I tip my hat to you sir. Now if you really want to make a statement, mail this letter to Motorola.

  • Sixvoltsystem

    install launcher pro or root the device install a custom rom and break free from the anus clamp that is moto blur

  • http://twitter.com/emaldy Eric Maldonado

    I love you for this article.

  • SomeGuy

    “you can’t opt out of the data plan”

    Yes you can, that rumor was put down a while ago.

  • Ethan

    Haha, so true about the unlock. I’ve gotten to the point of thinking my finger must not work right when I watch everyone else fluidly unlock their phones… I’ve almost registered androidwtf.com to start an FML-style forum this POS has so many bugs, maybe I’ll dedicate it to F-U-motorola instead.

  • Anonymous

    It’s a pity that no one at motorola will ever see this brutally honest post. They may beleive that our voices are the minority, and that their customers are too dim to notice how bad blur is, but guess what moto?

    People like us are who people like your customers consult before buying smart phones. Grandsons, techy friends, tech savvy dormmates; every smartphone ever sold had our blessing behind it. If you lose us, you lose the market.

  • Ed

    I have a Droid X.

    I totally agree on all your points.

  • Anonymous

    If your system can’t run for days without a break then something is wrong with your system.

    • http://www.twitter.com/kevlarmenace Kevlar Menace

      That’s another issue. Another reason for the hate.

  • V8dreaming

    HAHAHAHAHA This made me laugh so hard.

  • Pharris1603

    I removed MotoBlur the day I bought my X. It runs great without it.

  • flippedout

    My first Moto device is the Zoom so I can’t comment on Blur but one thing I’d have to clarify is I doubt the Xoom will get Blur. It’s a “developer” device and since Google is backing it so heavily I just can’t see Blur being part of an update.

    Anyway, kudos on your rant. All of these skins have to go. Thank goodness to CM as my Incredible is perfect with CM7.

  • Issemann

    Excellent rant. I’m still getting the Bionic when it comes out. (I’m sure someone will hack it up and fix it).

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  • L Anway

    I bought a moto i1 less than a year ago and they have provided no update to the os nor any adobe flash. I agree FUCK MOTOROLA

  • Cameronsibbald

    Got to agree, the V3 RAZR was okay, ive had a motorola defy (apparently ‘lifeproof’) for 2 months now, 1.5 of them the phone was with motorola getting fixed, 5 days after getting it back, I have to send it away again with the same fucking problem. FUCK YOU MOTOROLA.

  • FuckYouMotorola

    Sanjay (Bobby Jindal) Jha running Motorola into the ground with shitty software and locked down hardware. Motorola’s great at sucking the carriers dick and fucking their customers ass.

     I’ll never buy a pos Motorola device again the Atrix is the biggest pos I’ve ever owned. I’ve had it since Febuary and we still don’t have Gingerbread or 1080p video which was supposed to be available soon after release. I’ll tell ya what we do have though, a locked fucken bootloader so we’re at Moto’s mercy for software fixes. Fuck you Motorola…   Fuck you up your stupid asses!

  • Zorgen12

    ahh..may I suggest a double dose of Prosak.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1494676425 Michael Pitts

      My doctor prescribes Citalopram. And Zoloft gives me migraines. I’ve never tried Prosak. Is that like Prozac? I hear they make that in cherry chewables. I like cherries.

      But seriously, double-dosing on your medications is never a good idea. If you miss a dose, simply take your regular dose and continue as you normally would. It’s safer that way.

  • Zorgen12

    I just re-read your complaint..er rant along with the comments. Are you nine? I’ve never read such an immature piece of refuse. You have serious issues and they have nothing to do with Motorola. The only thing you have accomplished is proving you have anger issues complimented by mental issues. I recommend you seek anger counseling and a mental health doctor. What is also sad is those who chimed in with you also exhibit similar issues. You are definitely a candidate for arrested development. That is, unless you truly are nine years old. This I doubt. Three simple words of advice I have for you,

    Seek Professional Help

    • http://www.twitter.com/kevlarmenace Kevlar Menace

      Nine year olds rarely discuss the reasons why they should have to modify the software that came on a good set of hardware in order to fully utilize that hardware. On the other hand, I can personally guarantee you that the author understands that the faults found on stock Motorola devices is truly the fault of the consumer that purchased the device. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1494676425 Michael Pitts

      You’re correct. I do have serious issues that have nothing to do with Motorola. I will never deny that. I also admit that I have severe anger issues, another thing that I have never attempted to hide.

      However, the things that I wrote about in this article are simply my frustrations with Motorola intentionally crippling their otherwise fantastic hardware. I may have a more… colorful (read: unnecessarily vulgar) way of expressing my distaste for a particular entity, but the message gets through as long as you can filter out the profanity. I know that it was their software causing the issue because shortly after writing the article I rooted it and removed all of their bloated garbage. It was like having a completely different device, but the only thing I changed was the software. What does that tell you? Obviously it means that I was doing something wrong before which is why it was so slow and nearly unusable. No… wait… no, it meant that Motorola released their device with craptastic software to begin with. As someone that tests software for a living, I would be embarrassed if I let a software build as broken as the stock Droid X 2.2 release get out the door with my signature on it.

      Furthermore, when you’re going to disagree with someone, starting your statement with an insult doesn’t really strengthen your argument at all. In fact it usually has the exact opposite effect in that everyone just ignores everything after the insult. I’m pretty sure that “refuse” only refers to things that have already been thrown away. I could be wrong in my understanding of the usage, though. To be honest I am having trouble figuring out exactly which insult you’re trying to hit me with here. Am I a child, an angry old man, or mentally handicapped? You’re all over the place, man.

      Sit the next few plays out, think about your strategy for a bit, and then come back strong when you’ve had time to formulate a cohesive string of insults.

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  • Church

    *Opens door, and slowly checks the ground for radiation after nuclear shit-fling*

    I’ve had my Moto X^2 for… several months now. There is one bug in particular that really just… drives a stick into my ass, and that is that if my keyboard has to save over 500kb of random words that I type on a regular basis, that aren’t in the library (Fuck, Dick, Herpaderp), then when I hit the space bar while typing a text, it will automatically close my texting app.

    WTF? is that THAT hard of a bug to prevent? I mean… really? Its an easy fix… its just depressing that after the updates, its still NOT fixed.

  • Versatile1

    Droid Bionic reporting, I don’t care if they want to ship their phones with this disgrace to Android they call blur but let me fix my phone by giving me the Fucking bootloader key. I mean sure i have a custom ROM running at the moment but there are still shit stains all over it from the blur that had to be left in.

    That said this is my last Motorola device until they unlock the bootloaders. Motorola kicks ass at making good hardware and destroying Android.

    Follow #OPMOSH on Twitter

  • tech guy

    Thank you for Fucking Motorolla. I am fucking motorolla and also Fucking all Andriod system phones. If you want to have quality easy smart phone with top technology buy Nokia Lumia window phone. Limia 710 ( small one) or Lumia 900 ( top dog) 900 will smok you. I had Fucking Android and Fucking Apple. Nothing can be Lumia 900. Just Love it,love it love it.

  • Sar179

    I am old enough to remember Motorola before hello moto, bought a xoom (verizon) and now I find myself with an unsupported piece of shit. The gallery never worked and I sent it in for repair and was told numerous times by the nice man it would be repaired and returned to me with the latest software (ics) I just got off the phone and they, the nice girl on the phone could only say I was miss informed. In the real world that meens the young man lied to me. I have a droidx less than a year old and moto will not be updating it either. Yea FUCK YOU MOTO!!!

  • http://twitter.com/Lehjr1 Leon

    You know what’s really fun? Figuring out where the spam messages are coming from thanks to the unified messenger. A couple unnoticed updates to Facebook later and I was getting more spam than my free email account that I’ve had for 15 years. The fucked up part was that it didn’t even show up on Facebook at all.